Template : CO
Friday, August 22, 2008 ? 0 Atashinchi ?
Hmmm havent posted for a few days. And yeah i deleted the last post cos YOU PEOPLE SO BIG MOUTH GO AND BLAB IT EVERYWHERE. But nevermind now it is almost over and everyone knows already so who cares.And yes, it is 汇报. And no tanbo isnt finished with everyone yet. Cos yesterday when we did it the attendance was kind of not very good (hint hint) and excluding yangqin and sec1s one third of the people didnt come. Which is kind of suggestive. Then at first i planned on finishing the rest today (gosh sounds like i am eating them up) but then the speech day reception rehearsal took like about one hour longer than expected, so...last minute changed plans to postpone to next week. -_-
Generally the 汇报 went ok. I mean practically everyone in tanbo has problems with jibengong, but what can i say? It is impossible for me to do anything, since firstly i dont play liuqin and zhongruan plus when i give comments as to how to improve it is up to them to actually prac to make the improvement (which often they dont, or maybe they do but at snail speed), and secondly I DONT HAVE THE TIME. There are so many things that i want to do and which i planned carefully for and yet i never have the time to do it. For example i wanted to prep talk the section on certain vital issues like attendance, discipline and standard of playing, but guess what my time got eaten up. Not the first time either. Grrrr.....
And yeah today dazu wang ls didnt come. Koh conducted instead. Actually to tell the truth we played horribly. Much more horribly than pre-concert. Yeah its probably due to sec4s having left but well... Ok i myself wasnt exactly playing very well cos never really prac and plus kind of tired so couldnt exactly focus. But it was so obvious that all of us were just dying. Zhongruan has a severe shortage of people. Today only 4 played.
I suppose tanbo already went through the "getting-used-to-no-senior aka die-first-then-grow-independent" process last year so this year shouldnt be so bad. But then we have so many many problems i felt like dying. Admitted my skills are not exactly very desirable, but honestly we are EXTREMELY 不齐 plus all of us were 赶拍ing. Is it my fault that i didnt try to solve those problems that begun like when we first started playing the songs half a year ago?
During xiaozu i do try. But it is so difficult to make prac productive when people dont have the discipline to prac diligently on their own! I know you people are tired, but that is not an excuse to stone during prac, even when the whole section is playing together, nor do i care whether you have so much to share about your interesting lives that you chat incessantly. Honestly, why is it that i have to constantly remind you people that you are here to prac, not slack? I am human and I do get impatient with always having to keep an eye on you! Just because i try not to take my anger out on all of you doesnt mean that you can just smile at me when i tell you not to slack and not expect to need to improve on your behaviour!
Also right, skills wise i am really having a headache. I mean i can bug you people to come for prac and not slack during prac, but what you prac and how you improve yourselves are really not in my control. I try to take a people-centred approach to you people and i believe that as sl i am there to facilitate not instruct. That's why i ask all of you to feedback during xiaozu. COS I WANT YOU PEOPLE TO BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY YOUR OWN MISTAKES AND IMPROVE ON THEM!!! There isnt going to be anybody to constantly remind you what is wrong with your playing or sit down with you to patiently go through all your mistakes! I mean look at the number of people in tanbo. We have such busy lives that it is impossible to help every single one of you!
Even if you dont take private lessons (which applies to most of the section), please do take the initiative to improve on your own skills. You can always ask anyone in the section if you are not sure. But you cannot expect people to pick out all your mistakes for you. Or worse, we have told you repeatedly what is wrong, but you simply do not go and solve the problem. Goodness knows i am so wrapped up in so many things that i honestly cannot spare the time to do one-on-one. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF!
I am trying very very hard. It is difficult for me cos well im sure many of you realised, i am a bit of a doormat. At least i feel this way, seeing how nobody will listen when i try to get the section disciplined or whatever. And i am struggling with my own skills as well. By the way yelling at people during xiaozu doesnt help to improve my own playing. Also when i introduce ways to improve on our playing please cooperate or comment constructively and not give the you-are-so-lame expression, no matter how creative/lame it is.
Actually i dont understand how other COs do it. How on earth do you make a piece sound great when you keep on hearing people 赶拍ing, the 轮s being all-over-the-place or see everyone playing with body language comparable to that of a robot? I admit that i am unable to meet these criteria too, but is there any way to solve this problem? I mean i dont believe that in other COs people are all naturally so pro. Does it have something to do with the culture of the CO itself? If so what can we do? I am very 头痛 over this and if by the end of my term as sl i dont make any improvements i will so kill myself. Because i have made it a personal goal to actually make a difference. Or else rgco tanbo can just continue to die and let's forget about doing well for syf.
Ok i know in this post i sound a bit harsh but seriously after so much accumulation of negative feelings i need to vent it. If not i could just explode with how much i NEED to say. I feel very no backbone for saying it here where no one is going to see it, but well i suppose if i told all of you directly to your face you people would be offended and hate me forever. Whatever. But i guess it is 活该 that i end up in this state cos i knew that this is what is going to happen if i become sl. And since i agreed to take this on, well, i took onto my shoulders the burden of worrying about anything and everything as well. No wonder everyone says i look so matured for my age.
So people please dont dont add on to the number of wrinkles on my face (from frowning). And if you saw the number of pimples that erupted on my face this week you will know how stressed i am. I know that for a lot of stuff i havent been doing a good job. But i am trying. And learning. And it would really help if you can cooperate and give me constructive feedback.
On a happier (or not happier) note, i bet at the end of my term i will still end up thinking that i learnt a lot blah blah. Just that i wish the process of learning isnt so painful.
The end.
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