Guess what, my mum just tried to "persuade" me to sign up for adult ballet classes in the hols!!! By persuasion i mean that she tells me why she thinks i should join, and when i blatantly rejects her suggestion she starts suanning me and basically not sounding like she WANTS to give me a choice at all.

But anyway i am SO NOT going to go. I kind of always had a problem with my self-esteem and when i was younger i was painfully shy. I always hated going to mass classes and ESPECIALLY dance classes because you do stuff in front of other ppl that is embarassing and all, not like tuition, art classes, etc. in which you can hide somewhere and mind your own business. But i always pretended that i liked it and suffered through every single session.

But now i am no longer the wimp that i used to be (nearly) so i WILL NOT allow myself to be forced/coerced into doing something that i really wouldn't like to do. Especially not when the reason that she gives is so incredibly laughable. It just makes me all the more averse to doing as she says.

Hello, when in school and all over the tv/internet/whatever they keep saying how girls have problems with self-image and that they need to stop caring so much about their appearance, how can you say that i NEED to improve my body shape/manner i carry myself because i am lacking in physical appearance and grace? It's not like i ever wanted to be an actress or model or something. I admit i do have a problem with my own self-image, but i am trying hard to accept myself as it is! It DOES NOT help when your own parent criticises you for your shortness and fatness and overall ungracefulness.

STOP comparing me to others. Because i am NOT any of my friends/your friends' kids, who may be taller, skinnier, more youthful-looking (whatever). And it doesn't mean that by doing all these stuff i can become like them! I don't think i am so grotesque-looking that it is going to affect the way that others view me. Not if i try to be a nice person inside! And i DO NOT care to improve my appearance for the sake of OTHERS. Like anyone cares anyway!

Practically since the start of puberty you keep telling me how i need to do this and do that so that I CAN GET A GOOD HUSBAND AND BE A GOOD WIFE/MOTHER WHEN I GROW UP??? Maybe you succeeded. All your friends praise me for being guai and well-mannered and helpful and suitably quiet. BUT THAT'S NOT ME. I feel like a hypocrite when i sit in a corner and smile at everyone and NOT TALK. Children are to be seen and not heard. Indeed.

I find it amusing that you can be a professional woman with a university degree, and yet you still hold such primitive views that a woman needs to look good if she wants to have a happy marriage. Although i am still young i know very well that if a guy is going to dump/divorce me just because i got fat i am way better off without him. I'd rather never get married than settle for someone who cannot accept me for who i am! If i want to look good i want to do it for MYSELF. Not for anyone else. And i will make sure that i can support myself, and that i won't need to depend on others for financial support if it means that i have to do what i don't want to.

Oh and all that came out from a one-sided discussion over whether or not i should sign up for adult ballet classes during the hols! Lol. Not that any of it is news anyway. I know you won't see this, but no i WILL NOT go for any classes that i don't feel like going for, exercising when i don't feel like doing it, eat stuff that would perhaps help me grow taller... I don't think any of that is going to work, when i eat oily and unhealthy takeaway practically every single day because there isn't anyone to cook at home, and when it is no fun exercising or playing sports because there is no one to do it with me. Maybe it's not your fault. But it's not exactly my fault either.

Maybe i am not happy with who i am. But i WANT to accept myself as it is. And i would really appreciate it if you can not hinder me in this process. But you'll never know.

Well, i won't judge you. I am willing to accept our differences. But since you don't seem to be able to do so, i try to develop a layer of self-defense. If i hadn't done that, goodness knows what state i would be in now? I'll probably end up as one of those girls who starve themselves or go on scary dieting/exercising regimes. Hey, be glad that i am who i am!

Sigh. I wish we communicated better.

Labels: rant

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