I am being driven insane. I am getting seriously sick of seeing or even thinking about the tanbo blog. Plans keep changing, there are just so many things that i need to get people to do. And with such a big section it is so extremely hard to get things done. After having survived a long 12 hour day from 8am to 8pm, and only reaching home near 10pm, i just want to fall asleep, especially cos I only had 4h of sleep the previous night. But instead I am forced to sit in front of my com and work non-stop for over 2.5h, only stopping for one urgent toilet break, solely for administrative matters. Even though it is expected one can't help feeling annoyed that people DO NOT keep to deadlines, ignore your sms-es, don't take note of important things that you tell them, and when you chase them, they come and ask you WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? Hello how long has the blog been in existence and how many times have I reminded you to CHECK FOR IMPORTANT DETAILS. And after so many months you ask me WHAT IS THE URL? Only HALF THE SECTION replied to the camp stuff, and ONE THIRD replied to sectional outing. When i ask for suggestions, barely anyone seems to take notice. Plus people keep changing plans, and even though I know it is not really your fault, but IT STILL DRIVES ME INSANE. It is terrible enough to try to keep track of details of 31 people for VARIOUS EVENTS, and it doesnt help when people send me MULTIPLE messages about their stuff! I must have sent out hundreds of sms-es during that 2.5h ordeal yesterday alone. My mum has been complaining about my handphone bill for goodness knows how many months. That's why i put things up on the blog! And I still sms you to tell you to read and tag. And response has been just great. I am totally dreading this month's bill, cos uncooperative people have FORCED me to sms NON-STOP for hours on end. And I've been so unexpectedly busy and I am out all day and receive dozens of sms-es, but I can't do anything cos I am out and have to come home tired out at night to settle stuff. My homework is lagging but I don't have time! I know a lot of it is my fault but this still drives me out of my mind! i feel guilty for so many things but I really don't know what to do. And the sectional outing is the DAY AFTER TOMORROW and practically nothing's been planned yet. And guess what now I CANT ATTEND cos of some last minute change in plans. Again. But I still have to get things ready. And I am going crazy cos I CANT FIND ANYONE TO BRING SOME CRITICAL RESOURCES!!! if I dont' sort this out the whole thing will be a failure and ok now I totally dont know what to say. There's stuff I think I have to put up on the blog. Again. Groans. But I dont think people are going to read. I seem to be writing the same thing over and over again and I think everyone is bored. I wish we can revamp it again.

Maybe I have lost my spunk for my cca but the prob is that i am really stressed out. It used to be ok but now ie after syf the commitments are piling up and sadly I really need to put in more effort for these other stuff like ACADEMICS. I know it is my fault that I have bad time management but I really need time off from admin stuff and have some time to myself! And yes I know I should ask people to help, spread things out, blah and blah but guess what? It always ends up the same and you die anyway. Plus whatever I do, there will be criticisms. It is impossible to really do it well. And i thought I couldnt care less. But i realise that it still affects me a lot. Doesn't help that I've been wanting to leave everything behind since syf. I felt that that was the pinnacle of my career in co and somewhat subconsciously I just feel reluctant about all these stuff afterwards. I know it is bad and all, but I am tired. I feel that I have put in my share of efforts for CO and I really need a rest. You cant be upbeat all the time. Sometimes I seem to be slacking too much, and then I feel guilty for it. I need to let go of all these and rediscover the love for CO that I used to have, before all these began. Right now there is nothing to look forward to, work hard for, and I cant see the end yet. It is hard, when you dont seem to have that spark anymore, and you dont know what you are feeling. But of course I will still have to do what i need to do, because after all I do still love co, as well as the people in it. And i will still try my best. But it is hard. Very hard. I really think that the hardest thing is when you seem to lose that "thing" for something that you once loved so much, and still do, just that you cant seem to figure out what is wrong. I want this to be over, so that I can think again, and remember the good memories.

I am sorry to a lot of people, for this, that and a lot of stuff. But i am still annoyed and stressed out. I STILL need to go back to those uncompleted stuff. Maybe i am not the best. But i try. And to those who have read through this post, sorry for ranting and wasting your time, and dont be offended. Try to think of my usual nice self and allow me to let my feelings go once in a while. At least after writing all these I have managed to relieve my stress and am now feeling mildly depressed. But i shall not delete this post. Dont believe in stuff like that. Though I usually end up apologising after a ranting post.

But well, tomorrow shall be another day. Another day full of chionging. Rolls eyes at sectional outing and feels murderous. But (somewhat) confident that I will find a solution to it all. Or somehow tanbo will just have to find its own way of having fun with limited resources. I am glad that I have a happy section. Though a bit tardy, yes.

:) :( -_- >< O.o ?

[edit: after relaxing by writing such a long blog post and doing facebook quizzes, now i feel guilty again, someone please tell me how to strike a balance]

Labels: dont read this again, stupid ranting

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