Template : diezzzzz
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 ? 0 Atashinchi ?
Today wasn't exactly a very good day. Even though there were were certain fun parts, but CERTAIN EVENTS were quite ... (no comments).Firstly seeing that I didn't go to school yesterday cos I was sick (I've hugging a tissue box around with me ever since saturday afternoon), I got a ton of homework today, including various math and chem worksheets (note: plural, for both subjects) that are due like today or tomorrow. -_- I brought a box of issue today too, but I tried to minimise blowing my nose for fear of grossing out my whole class. But I guess it still kind of showed. Mish told me that my voice sounded sexy. -_- And it's supposed to be a compliment...
During PE I sat out. And it was the last lesson for soccer module. Next module will be golf and floorball. I heard floorball is fun (just don't whack anyone with the stick) and golf is boring (cos you keep running around picking balls). But actually for most of the lesson I was with yuenteng who was having really bad cramps. She was in so much pain that she couldn't even walk! I totally didn't know what to do except get a hot water bottle from GO until she felt well enough to go to the sick bay. :( Actually this incident kind of made me feel the disadvantage of the female gender, cos even though every woman feels a different degree of discomfort there is bound to be at least some of it, at the very minimum making you feel tired and easily irritable, and every once in a while you get a really bad case, which is seriously an extremely unbearable feeling. But well, I guess there is no point feeling that it is unfair. :( Since you were born into it and you can't change it anyway. (Or maybe you can, but most people wouldn't make this choice. :P)
The most terrible part of today was during RS when Mrs Mohd gave back the second draft of the NWSP report. Actually she told us quite blatantly that we probably won't get anything other than a Certificate of Participation cos of the topic that we chose in the first place, but still we have to put in at least a reasonable amount of effort for the project. But the thing is I totally didn't know that we were supposed to go through NWSP today (cos I was absent for Geog class yesterday) and none of my groupmates were there today. So I had to edit the whole report on my own and submit via email to the organisers of the competition, since it was due by 5pm, and I was the only one there to listen to mrs mohd's comments and I didn't know where most of the rest were.
Cos then all the laptops in the library were taken up I had to go to the Com Lab, where I spent 20min attempting to download the file from my email. I even engaged ivalyn's help and tried 2 computers, but to no avail. By then school had ended so I went back to library to do it and it was pretty ok except for the part that I had to quote the source for some info used in some part, cos that part was done by someone else and I had NO IDEA where she got that info from. After attempting to contact all 3 members of my group who either couldn't help or I couldn't contact, I resorted to looking through nearly all the sources listed under references and sieving through them to find a source that could conceivably be quotable. -_- Then after that I attempted to convert the word doc to pdf format (which mrs mohd told me to do) but didn't know how to! After consulting yifei MANY times I went to ask the school IT person, who told me that it needed a special software which was not available to students in school. -_- I tried to find mrs mohd, couldn't, and decided to send out the word doc cos the rules said word/excel doc anyway. I just couldn't be bothered anymore.
Through this whole time I was FREAKING OUT and at many points of time felt like SWEARING cos of all the stupid and unlucky stuff that was happening to me. I had extra prac at 3.30 and the whole thing took me till 4 something cos I was running around distractedly trying to find/call people and forgetting stuff and having to do it again. I was SUPER stressed out cos even though mrs mohd told me she could give me an excuse letter for CCA but since it is extra prac I wouldn't need it. Anyway the point is that I am supposed to set a good example for the section and what exactly was I doing by missing monday's prac (which I was supposed to go for) cos I was sick and half of tuesday's prac (which was supposed to be makeup for monday) as well cos I had to do the report? I mean I know it is not exactly my fault and that I really had no choice, but if I were to expect others to put in effort into coming for prac I have to do it myself right? If I want to be strict with the section I have got to be even stricter with myself! Which I have obviously failed in doing. :(
When I finally went for prac at 4+ I had to go hand up some stuff that was due yesterday which I planned to hand up after school ended and before extra prac started. Plus I was in an incredibly bad mood cos of the NWSP thing. When I actually took my qin and was going for prac at around 4.30, I saw some people walking towards the foyer with their instrus. When I asked them why they were going off when it was obviously not time yet, they told me that it was pointless staying and that everyone was just fooling around anyway. Even though this sounds cheesy but seriously when I heard that I really had this weird feeling inside me that kind of hurt, and I simply couldn't face them anymore cos it was totally my fault that I wasted their time and couldn't do what I expected them to do. That, plus all the stress built up previously, gave me a really terrible feeling and if not for something else holding my emotions back I might have just broke down on the spot and burst into tears.
After I regained control of myself and went back to the classroom (which was now kind of empty cos half the people left), I started to tune my qin and stuff. I managed to prac for about 10min until I decided that that wasn't the point of me coming for prac. I originally planned to go through individually where to improve, especially the melodic phrasing and 台风 stuff that are difficult to work on during normal prac cos there are too many people. So I started working with jiahui and we went through stuff for about 10+ minutes, and I planned to work with yunan and vivian after that. But then the others told me that they were going off. I was quite surprised cos it wasn't time yet (it was a bit past 5 and prac was supposed to end at 5.30), but they said that they were there at 3 and that they told their parents that they were going at that time, so what could I say but yes?
I felt so terrible, even though I was laughing and fooling around with yunan and delia on the bus home, because I felt that I let down the section by asking them to come for extra prac and in the end just wasting their time and not accomplishing anything. On monday I totally have no idea what they did, and on tuesday I know that we didn't do anything! Being the SL and expecting them to turn up for extra prac, I have the responsibility of making sure that their time is well-spent, but in the end I am forever screwing up! It is so totally my fault that people were not praccing today and went off early. And I felt so guilty that I couldn't say no. Cos if it weren't for the fact that I was absent for the majority of the time it would not have turned out this way...
I am so sorry tanbo, for letting all of you down... Sorry for not living up to the expectations that I have placed on all of you. I tried, and I failed. And I really don't know whether it will be better the next time round. I don't dare to look anyone in the eye anymore, for I can't even promise that there won't be a next time. I broke my promise to all of you, and the worst part is that I can't make sure that I don't continue to break that promise. So there is really only one thing that I can say to all of you.
I am sorry.
diezzzzz