Template : bad day
Friday, February 27, 2009 ? 0 Atashinchi ?
Today was a really bad day. It started off alright, even though it was sweltering hot during SLI and I had to chiong lunch so as to attend the very boring Geog video screening. Even rushing around to settle last minute stuff for CmPS was ok. But once it was CO the whole day went downhill at an exponential rate, such that I was in the worst mood ever since I can't even remember when.Before dazu I did something that I've been wanting to do for a long time. It has been building up for so long and today provided me with the conditions to really do what I've been hesitating to do. If anyone from tanbo is reading this now, I know that some (or many) of you probably think that I was in a bad mood or PMS-ing or something and that's is why I suddenly blew up and scolded the section like that. I know that some people probably feel that I overreacted over such a small issue. And that is the worst part. Because even after I told them off I doubt anyone really understood what I scolded them for.
It was NOT because the section was late for extra prac (seeing how I should be used to this by now) and it was not even really about what happened today. The problem of a lack of commitment amongst tanbo has persisted for a long time and I guess I just can't stand it anymore. I can't stand the fact that I am always organising extra pracs which no one turns up for, that I am forever sending SMSes and trying to settle stuff for people, that I tried so hard but no one seems to be appreciating it. By lack of commitment I do not mean that attendance is bad. In fact our attendance is generally very good, and during prac most of people do prac hard. But when I ask them to go the extra mile by praccing at home or coming for extra prac, I am disappointed again and again. The worst part is that everyone would agree wholeheartedly that we need to work harder to improve, and enthusiastically raise their hands in support of extra prac, and in the end it turns out that they were just empty words, and I was led on again and again like the fool that I am.
I am tired of spending my time having extra prac with always the same few people (attendance is at most 5) and these people are not the ones that NEED the practise the most! I am tired of continuously SMSing the section about this and that and end up wasting my time, energy and money. I guess maybe my blowing up today is also cos of how I've been putting in so much work trying to organise it such that things would run smoothly. I spent the entire 30+ min of my bus ride home on wed on my phone settling this and that. I went home and took a nap in the afternoon, and my phone kept on ringing cos of SMSes. When I woke up I had about 10 messages, and I had to settle everything one by one. I sent out about 3 messages to the entire section, and various messages to some concerned parties, and dozens or even hundreds of SMSes corresponding with nearly half my section plus other stuff like CmPS. It was seriously getting on my nerves and I was sick of trying to remember who said this about what and why. I have more than 20 people in my section and it gets really tiring to have to remember what everyone is saying at the same time.
Today when I scolded the section not even everyone was there. And I know that some people are not very happy about how I handle things. But after I have spent one year of being ASL and half a year of being SL, you'd think that I do things my way for a reason. Normally I am someone who avoids conflict and doesn't even like to say no. But ever since I took up this responsibility I have forced myself to be someone whom I am not and don't really want to become. I already feel like I am suffering from some split personality syndrome so why is it that people just find it so difficult to appreciate what I am trying to do? Today I was acting as dao as possible on purpose, cos I didn't want everyone to not take me seriously again. But after a while my mood got worse and worse so I didn't have to pretend to be pissed off anymore.
The last straw that broke the camel's back was what Sarah told me during break in between dazu. AFTER I scolded the section, AFTER I tried to act as dao as possible to try to impress on them the importance of what I said, they told me that they didn't want to have prac tomorrow cos of SAs on monday. I was already on edge what with certain irritating events going on around me that aggravated my self-induced bad mood, and after that comment I just couldnt take it anymore. To let off steam I did the very stupid thing of running away and hiding in a corner of the school. But well I didn't take long to sort out my thoughts, so not as if I was that much of a loser, even though I already am one. Whatever that happened so far wasn't my fault, cos I've done my best. And if you don't want me to help you, that's your own problem. And guess what, to those that passed on the message to Sarah about not wanting prac, YOU ARE A COWARD FOR NOT DARING TO SAY THAT STRAIGHT TO MY FACE. Sometimes I get quite irritated when people prioritise other things over CO, especially when I am sacrificing these things for CO. But I can't fault them for it, since that's a personal choice anyway, and it's going to attract a lot of totally unnecessary argument.
Pathetically after break I got a headache and started feeling unwell. More pathetically I lost focus and it affected my playing. I felt like I lost a lot of energy and couldn't concentrate on whatI was playing. But one thing that I am proud of is that from start to end I didn't for a single moment felt like crying, cos it WASNT my fault and I was confident enough to feel anger and not shame. Obviously there are things that I could have done better, but I always encouraged honest reflection and I welcome suggestions on how I can improve. I can confidently say that I tried very hard, and what happened was simply out of my control. And to those who disagree with what I have said in this post (I know there will definitely be some), come tell me face to face. I can't be bothered to try to figure out what you think if you don't even care about making peace.
By the way, I shall be very honest. For those parties concerned, THIS IS MEANT FOR YOU TO SEE. AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. And in case you really need me to give a summary of the reasons behind what happened today, I shall give it to you: 1. Tanbo's lack of commitment (don't argue with me on that point) 2. You don't even know why I am scolding you. Find me if you need any more clarifications.
Of course, thanks to all those people to expressed sympathy or attempted to cheer me up. Sorry that your efforts didn't work, but that was cos through what I was doing I was hoping to evoke UNDERSTANDING, not SYMPATHY. So I hope if you really care for how I feel try to really see what I am trying to get across. To jiahui: don't worry it wasn't your fault so don't feel too upset over what happened. Most of all don't torture your stomach or you'll end up with gastric like me. And to bonian, weiyi and yifei, sorry for making you wait so long for me and thanks for listening to me and trying really hard to understand. Also sorry and thanks to wenyun, amelia and nina for listening and thinking of ways to help. I know that my section's problem may not be the worse, since every section has its own problems, but I decided to make a statement, though I don't care anymore if it works. But I'd like to tell them to please stop comparing, because the only one that you should try to be better than is really yourself.
This was a long post. And if it weren't for the fact that I don't swear, it would have been full of vulgarities. The most ironic part is when I told weiyi that I won't be bothered about trying anymore, she told me that that is impossible. I feel so pathetic. It's like you've been snubbed so many times, but you just can't stop throwing yourself at it over and over again! Just like after I coolly (not really very coolly, but still) told tanbo that there won't be prac tomorrow, I still had to sms everyone in case some people didn't come or didn't hear. I live a pathetic life. And I need someone to give me strength to continue on cos I don't feel like facing it anymore. But unfortunately life doesn't give you choices. And thus I WILL persevere, cos I MUST persevere.
Labels: co
bad day